What’s scarier than ghosting? Boo! 👻
A ghost: a presence that never leaves, a haunting that can't abandon something they left behind on earth.
Yet ghosting: almost the opposite—someone who disappeared without a trace. The Tinder match unmatched, or worse, the second or even tenth date who stopped texting back. It’s cruel to be speaking with someone regularly, and then suddenly, they're gone. So maybe it’s the person left behind who feels the haunting, the wondering every day if today will produce the missing person on the other end of the phone call, the text, (most maddeningly) the elusive Instagram like.
But is ghosting ever justified? When is it our right to stop speaking to someone? In a digital world where we’re linked to thousands of people, and even in our personal lives where boundaries are tested and tried, is it ever ok to say boo?
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I keep social media off my phone, but decades of scrolling leave me looking for dopamine hits in advice columns. In my expert opinion, all good advice turns up in one of three categories: 1. You’re being extremely mean. Have you considered that?
You’re being extremely mean. Have you considered that?
Confirmed: the other person is causing a mild to serious problem. Have you ever, in any way that could be considered direct, actually spoken to them about this? Could you consider doing that, before like, blowing everything up or just crawling into a hole to die?
Girl, you need to LEAVE. Probably in secret. Here’s a hotline.
I’ve also been in a lot of therapy myself. Shoutout talk therapy. Here’s how I would generalize what I learned:
Yes, you have a lot of feelings. Can you figure out what they are?
These feelings may have been caused by others — and new situations are triggering some old feelings, too. Let’s figure out where they might have come from.
You were hurt in the past. But now, your feelings are your responsibility. Can you accept that?
These feelings – can you express them out loud to me, your therapist?
These feelings – can you express them out loud to the person who they’re about, in a way that owns them yourself? (Yes, those dastardly “I statements.”)
Can you say them out loud in a calm, regulated way, to the person whose behavior your feelings are in response to, in the moment they arise?
Congratulations, you just set boundaries based on knowing your feelings! Now do it forever for the rest of your life.
BONUS LEVEL: Love Yourself, Babe! Do you? Unconditionally? Yes, right now?? Because saying no is about saying yes to yourself.
People often hate when those they’re in toxic relationship with go to therapy because it teaches them how to name that they’re upset and advocate for themselves. Good therapy teaches us that other people aren’t responsible for our feelings and behavior (e.g., You made me do this, you made me feel this), but, that if we’re not happy with how someone is treating us, we can tell them directly, and if the situation doesn’t change, we can leave.
Communication is a responsibility, but ghosting is a right. What does that mean? It means you have the right not to talk to people, but it’s more noble if you tell them why first, and give them an opportunity to change their behavior. A lot of people really do want to do better for you. Others don't. The way you figure out who is who is by talking to them. But it’s your right to say when you’re done. And respect yourself enough to move on.
Boundaries don’t require the other person to do anything. Boundaries mean you will leave. Boundaries can mean seizing the right to ghost.
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These fundamental principles of modern psychodynamics are not expressed in our digital communication technologies. Quite the opposite: our modern tools put us directly in a house of horrors, constantly vulnerable to demons, goblins, and ghouls.
Phone numbers, e-mail addresses, and social media handles are like creaky open doors that never close. As fast as you tell one person not to contact you again, 100 more have found (or bought) your address. The experience of having a digital identity today is the experience of being systematically harassed.
New friends! Do you know! Suggested connections! New link request! Answer me! Answer me! Answer me!
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My startup Germ builds communication technologies that follow healthy human behavior instead of hijacking it. What if your communication services respected the boundaries and agency you have the rights to in the real world? What if you decided, person by person, who you wanted to talk to, and what you told them about yourself? What if this technology helped you stay connected to the people and conversations you really cared about? And what if, if you didn’t want to talk to someone, your technical connection respected that decision, was even built for it?
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This week is All Hallows Eve, when the veil is lifted between the other world and ours. I choose a world of living relationships, consensual connections, and healthy dynamics—not zombie followers and vampiric bots. Let’s ghost the ghosts, and embrace the living.